For so long, I thought caregiving was about standing in the tension between hope and reality. I thought that if I held both with enough strength—hope for healing, reality for grounding—I could bridge the gap. I could make it work.
But here’s the thing: hope is heavy. And reality doesn’t care how strong you are.
I’ve learned that living in the space between isn’t always sustainable. Some days, you lean fully into hope because it’s the only thing that gets you out of bed. Other days, you let reality win because you can’t carry both.
And sometimes, you just have to choose—one or the other—for your own survival.
When Hope Feels Impossible
Hope is powerful, but it’s also relentless. It asks you to believe in things that haven’t happened yet, to fight for outcomes you can’t control. As a caregiver, hope often felt like chasing something just out of reach.
I hoped he’d choose us. I hoped he’d see how hard I was trying, how much I was holding for both of us. I hoped love would be enough to fix what war had broken.
But hope also became a trap. The more I hoped for something different, the more I denied the reality of what was. Hope became a way to avoid the truth: that I couldn’t fix him, couldn’t carry us both, couldn’t will a future into being if he wasn’t willing to fight for it too.
When Reality Feels Too Heavy
On the other hand, reality is unforgiving. It doesn’t soften its edges or wait for you to be ready. It’s the silence at the dinner table. The unspoken words. The decisions made without you.
Reality is what happens when hope runs out.
But the thing is, reality isn’t the enemy. It’s grounding. It’s honest. And sometimes, it’s the only thing that gives you permission to let go. When I finally let go of the hope that he would meet me halfway, I found something else entirely: clarity.
Reality didn’t make the pain go away, but it gave me a path forward. It showed me what I could control and what I couldn’t. And it gave me permission to stop waiting for things to change and start changing my own life instead.
Letting Go of the Tension
Caregiving isn’t about perfectly balancing hope and reality. It’s about knowing when to lean into one and when to let the other go.
Some days, hope is the only thing that keeps you moving. Other days, reality is the truth that sets you free. And when you stop trying to hold them both, you realize something: the tension between them isn’t where you have to live. It’s where you’ve been stuck.
A Different Way Forward
I used to think that standing in the tension between hope and reality made me strong. Now I think strength comes from knowing when to put the weight down.
Letting go doesn’t mean giving up. It means choosing. Choosing what serves you, what moves you forward, what keeps you whole.
If you’re standing in that space, holding hope in one hand and reality in the other, ask yourself: what would it look like to set one down, even just for today?
Because sometimes, the only way forward is to stop standing still.
